31st May 12
Woke up kind of late and went to a class at 10am. I took a chance, and just started talking to students when they had t work on a group project - endured the normal… questioning about my language ability. It was definitely uncomfortable, but they say I should do hard things. So that’s what I did. I chickened out a little bit at times, but it’s cool. I still did try, haha. Then I went to get lunch with a friend who hangs out at this salon a lot.
BREAKING NEWS - I’m going to dye my hair. I will dye the tips. I’m going to do light purple with white blonde underneath so there’s still color with the purple fades.
Moving on, I spent the afternoon in the office grading exams/falling asleep. I think I caught cheaters since random answers were the same. Then I went to get dinner on my own but ran into another teacher and waited with him to get dinner and walk back. Then I came home to students in the house. One of them is still here doing a project. I napped for about an hour and woke up because I’m supposed to watch BBT with the teacher I ran into but I have no idea what he’s doing right now. I don’t feel like going upstairs to find out, haha. About to do some laundry. I’m just chilling right now. I think I’m going to read for a bit.
I’ve realized here just how much I want to improve my Chinese. I also realized before I fell asleep that I love getting to know students and people in general, and that I just love being around people in general. Granted, I do need my occasional alone time, but I really enjoy being with people. It doesn’t always have to be a large group… but yea. I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. Dang.
30th May 12
Never say that to a guy. It’s not very nice, haha. Went to work this morning then came back to get my leaky toilet fixed (YAY!). Then I graded exams… grading grammar exams is harder than I thought. I thought I knew the answers but… I clearly need a grammar refresher. It’s awful. I felt kind of dumb for asking so many questions about the answers haha. Oh wells. They were nice about it. Had lunch with Frizzy. Random catch up time. Napped for an hour and a half and was late in going back to the office. Went to a teacher’s exam session. Then went back to grading. Went to dinner with some old students. It was a nice, small dinner. It was interesting because the students don’t really interact with each other except when they met up to see me, so their interactions were… random. They don’t really have too much in common, if at all, and they all have different circles of friends. But it was a nice dinner with funny conversations. I kind of felt like I was holding it together, but it’s cool. They came to the house afterwards. That part was a little awkward since I didn’t really know how to entertain them.
Our relationship is interesting. It’s hard for me to be meaningful in my conversations with them because I see them as MY students even though they’re not… anymore. And we’re really all just friends. I also feel like because they’re all so different and don’t know each other, it’s hard for me to address them all at the same time. But hopefully they can see that I still love them regardless.
Got to Skype with the biffle. She’s in China also <3 It’s been such a long time since we’ve seen each other… in real life. If you read this, shout out - love you! We’re getting cultured. There have also been many bugs lately… I loathe bugs. I hate killing them but I’ve killed a decent amount lately - the parentals would be proud. I also started getting mosquito bites… yum.
But yea, still trucking along. It’s been a little over a week now. Seven weeks left. I’m going to try to make every day count. It’s really easy to get complacent. It’s really easy to just lose sight of the big picture. It’s easy to lose your identity here. Someone had brought that to my attention and I didn’t realize how true it was until now. Being here this time around has been harder because of what I’ve wanted to do. Making the conscious decision to not just be another person here, can get difficult at times. I enjoy the freedom that comes with being here, not having my life all booked up, but sometimes I feel like I’m in a dream. In a way, I’m in my own little bubble here. It’s hard not being able to just text/call/gchat people because of the time difference. My normal support system isn’t in immediate contact at least. Sometimes I get scared/intimidated by the fact that this could potentially be my life after I graduate, at least for a year, if I seriously decide to come over. But we shall see. Those are big thoughts for what was a simple night.
29th May 12
I slept last night and woke up to rain. But it’s cool - Binghamton prepared me well. But I went to work this morning and just read. Then came home for lunch and Skyped. It was nice catching up with a friend from back home. On my way back to work, I realized that the field was flooded so I had to turn back and borrow someone’s rain boots. Went to work and spent an hour and a half looking for rain boots. Finally ordered a pair - hopefully they last until Binghamton and WHILE I’m back at Bing. Then went to one of the teacher’s classes. It was fun and relaxing. I just sat there like another student haha. I had a little refresher in American history. Then I got to hear presentations. Schooling is just so dang different here. They talk so much when others are presenting, it’s crazy. They talk so much in class while others are speaking in general. I would have made plans to hang out but I needed to get back to the house after class to return the rainboots. The field was completely flooded by that time.
I went to get food at the Muslim restaurant. They recognized me because I had gone there once with another foreign teacher. They tried talking to me but they were just speaking way too fast. I managed to get the point across that I just didn’t understand. Wo ting bu dong. Key being, that was said with a smile. They were nice though. Hopefully I’ll get to go more and have more in depth conversations… maybe? They don’t speak a lick of English so we’ll see.
I’ve realized how hard it is coming in so late in the semester to establish relationships with people. I also realized today how lonely/lost/out of place I feel because of that. Point blank, students don’t ask me to eat with them or anything and I think that’s because they either think I’m busy or they just don’t know what to think. I can see where they’re coming from. I just got here… and it’s the end of the term - they have finals, they have their own lives and their own friends. It’s hard to squeeze in a new foreigner when they already have their set schedules and meeting times with people. Oh well. I made lunch and dinner plans for tomorrow so… yea. Good thing it’s not raining! But it’s hard talking to students here because of that. I’m also really intimidated by them. They might be intimidated by my English… but I’m the minority here haha - so I’m the newbie and yea… but spending time with the teachers has been really nice. I think in its own way, it’s been nice doing nothing. When I was here last year, it was relaxing not having millions of meetings or things to do. Funny how I have to come halfway across the world to feel relaxed/free. It’s nice not having my life all booked up. Hopefully when I see more students tomorrow though, I’ll be able to make more consistent plans while I’m here.
After dinner, I ended up watching the Last Song with two other teachers and doing some work for the Bing summer class that my internship counts for. Then I watched GOT <3. And I actually have work to do tomorrow - grading exams! Feeling good in spite of the rain - will feel even better when my rain boots come in!
28th May 12
So work was only a quarter of a day today… since I couldn’t really do too much… because they didn’t have too much (aka anything) for me to do. I had a lovely conversation with someone though. Had a brief lunch hour because I had a meeting at 1. Then walked back in the heat to get my laptop… So not gonna lie, the walk across this campus is a little ridiculous because the campus is a line - one way in, one way out. I literally have to pass the exact same sequence of buildings every single day to get anywhere. The house I’m in is the FURTHEST thing on campus. I have to walk across the field, pass a few dorms, past the cafeteria, then finally I get to the teaching building. The buildings where they mainly have classes is just a couple minutes further down. Getting to the side street is across the street from that building. The front gate is a good 15 minutes away. Fifteen minutes really isn’t much… but when you have to pass the exact same thing everyday, it gets a little tiring.
But yea, walking across the field in the sun isn’t all too fun either. I went to help a teacher grade notebooks in the afternoon and got the awkward stares. It’s so funny to me how some students just cannot seem to believe I’m from America while others just take it for what it is. Helped some TAs with their Microeconomics office hours. TAs are kind of a new thing here, which is interesting for me to realize about schooling here. They’re such cuties. This is just half of the group.
I don’t really know the girl in the beige too well (aka at all, really) but the girl in yellow cracks me up. The boy is super sweet. Had impromptu dinner with the girl and guy before heading to help another teacher with proctoring exams at 7. Dinner was nice - didn’t speak as much Chinese as I wanted to and I think I missed the opportunity for a really good conversation but I shall pick that up soon. Proctoring was meh, it was kind of daunting having all that responsibility. I was giving students the oral English part of their exam. The listening part was played via CD and I was happily entertained by my iPhone. That lasted til about 9:20 then we made the long trek back across campus.
At night here, the field FILLS up with students - EVEN THOUGH, it’s entirely pitch black. It’s because it’s cool enough for them all to be outside so they just all hang out there. I don’t know how they do it. It’s pitch black so everyone would look the same to me. You gotta do what you gotta do, I suppose.
On a side note, I saw way too many spiders today.
27th May 12
My laptop turned off by itself before I could save my post, womp womp. Let’s see what I can remember…
I had a surprisingly pleasant morning even though I had 6 hours of sleep. I was pleasantly surprised by the conversations and destination. I wanted a Sunday afternoon nap but it was not meant to be. I was getting lunch on the side street when I saw a student and the teacher I was with saw another student and we all went back to the house and it was already 2:30. I had dinner plans at 6 and they stayed til about 5-5:15. We just hung out in the kitchen, listening to music, playing cards (Chinese poker in China… is not the same), talking, etc. Not enough time for a good nap after they left… so just read a little then went to dinner. Had beer for the first time in awhile - first time having alcohol in China. Drinking age being 18 and the people we were with ordered this huge thing.
I also realized that conversation dynamics here sometimes get weird. I feel like I’m either initiating conversation or constantly asking questions to continue them. It makes me feel like I’m imposing and just talking too much. Maybe they think it’s polite to let me do so…? No idea. Will get that figured out… haha.
Began my unofficial Mandarin training with Frizzy. I still feel awful that he’s on campus with nothing to do while I’m at work. I hope while I’m busy, he comes up with lessons and possibly even homework for me to do… but I honestly doubt he would. He’s not a girl, haha. He doesn’t seem the type to do so anyways. So I told him to watch The Big Bang Theory. He started a couple days ago and really enjoys it. Our training basically entails me saying something in response to a question, or having my own question, and then quickly asking him how to say what I just said in Chinese. It throws him off sometimes because I don’t always ask for the translation so it’s definitely a flawed system. But it’ll work for now.
Wo zhi dao wo shi zhong guo ren suo yi wo yao shuo han ru duo. Hai yo, hen duo xue shen wen wo, wo ke yi jiang zhong wen ma? wo jue de zhe shi fei chang gan ga.
我知道我是中国人所以我要说中文剁。 还哟很多学沈问我， 我可以将中问 马? (<- did this on my own, via phonetic typing. pinyin ftw!)
我觉得这是非常尴尬。(google translate ftw!)
I had always retained the basics, BARE BARE BARE basics, from years of torturous Chinese school… but progress feels good.
26th May 12
I tagged along with another teacher and her student today. It was nice, just chilling and getting to know the student - both foodies, so that was great. We were around a shopping area and all I bought was a gift for someone. I’m not really here to shop… But we got to meet up with another group that went to a museum today and I saw an old student! It was great! Apparently though, he purposefully came back to campus because he had heard I was back in China. I feel awful because he’s basically done with classes and was actually back in his hometown. But it’s not like I can spend time with him because I’m supposed to be working everyday. So… yea. That’s slightly awkward and I feel terrible. But he’s going to be my translator. We’ve begun the process of him speaking mainly English and me speaking mainly Chinese. I’m quite excited to see how that goes. The rest of the day was pretty chill. The evening was spent just chilling with the other female teachers in the kitchen. One of them was baking. Good stuff.
*OH. There IS a word for frap in Chinese! Apparently it’s new. Xing Bing Le, 星冰乐.
But on the way to meeting the student to go to the shopping area, I had a really good talk with another teacher. The teachers this year are SO different from last year’s. It’s really awesome getting to know them and hearing their stories about who they are, where they’ve been, what they’ve learned, what they hope to do. It’s… amazing. In talking to her and just taking the bus (which was awful - bus drivers here are CRAZY, passengers are crazy, it’s just craziness on those buses), I was shown a lot. I had asked questions that had always been on my mind and somehow got indirect but still helpful answers.
I realized that… it took a trip across the world for me to be shown that I have a serious problem - I am so insecure about fitting in and having people like me, that it hinders me from truly living a reflective life of what I believe. Granted, I knew that it was hard for me to live a reflective life and I knew I have insecurity issues, but it finally clicked that the two were related. Funny how it took me being a world away from home to realize, TRULY realize these things. Even here, where I constantly say that I have nothing to lose, I’m trying to fit in. My main motivation for language I realized, is because I want to fit in. I’m Chinese and I don’t want others around me looking down on me because I can’t speak the language even though I’m just like them (I’m not really just like them… but ethnically I am). I knew that coming here, it would be on one hand, easier to take risks because I have nothing to lose. On the other hand, it would be so much harder making connections and truly living a salty life - letting my actions and being speak volumes. With these thoughts fresh in my mind, the bus ride ended. And I felt peace.
I didn’t really think twice about these things the rest of the day, but knowing these things in my very soul, is a very fulfilling thing. I don’t really know how to describe it except to say that I’m at peace. I know that I’m being taken care of, and that I’m growing. And it’s painful. But pressure creates diamonds. My mind’s been blown these last few days and it’s only the beginning.
I was told something very encouraging today. Sometimes we think that it’s our job to go to a different place, meet new people and change their lives. We think that we have this task to impact others. But sometimes, we’re asked to do those things because we’re meant to be changed by going to those places and meeting those people. The impact that we think we have on the people (which really isn’t OUR impact, honestly) can come at any point, even after we’ve left.
25th May 12
Spent most if not all of the day in the office working on my project. Definitely had a LOT of moments when I just dozed in my seat. I felt horrible. I really do have a good work ethic! But apparently the work structure is different here… I was comforted by the other teachers when they told me that I shouldn’t be intimidated by the other girls that “seem” to be doing work every second of the day, haha.
Got to have lunch with someone unexpected - really good conversation. I love getting to know people so talking with them was really nice and refreshing. I got to hear their story and it was very cool. Now I just need to have that happen with students… and with more Chinese.
Went to dinner with the other teachers and it was nice just hanging out and eating and talking. For a few minutes, I felt like I was in a dream or something. It didn’t quite feel real that I was in China, having a big meal with 8 other Americans and 2 women that worked at the school. I definitely enjoyed it, but there was something peaceful and serene about it. It definitely gave me the confidence and boost I needed.
In hearing all of these teachers speak Chinese, and the fact that they go to Chinese classes, is a big slap in the face - but in a good way. My insecurities are no excuse. If they can do it, so can I. I just have to take the risk. I wasn’t called to be comfortable. Do hard things… they say. It won’t be easy, and it never is. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. The teachers I’ve met here are different from last year. Last year’s teachers didn’t necessarily try as hard to learn the language, if at all. Some of the teachers this year plan on staying an additional year which is really exciting. They plan on investing in the language, and in this country. The one I had lunch with today plans on coming back sometime in the future. I think realizing their desire and obedience made me realize that I just need to man up. I can complain all I want and feel miserable and insecure, but that won’t change unless I do.
With a renewed mind and perspective and a humbling take on things, I’m moving forward. Yes, I will stumble while learning the language. No one said it’d be easy. Yes, it will entail being embarrassed and being humble. But that’s okay. It’s what I need. I have nothing to lose here except my ability to stay. I don’t have a reputation to uphold or anyone to impress.
Learning - to man up.
24th May 12
I guess I’ll just get right to it. I cracked. I had my “want to cry in public” moments and it’s only the 3rd night. I was in class helping a teacher, hoping to facilitate discussions and all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die.
I was able to figure it out, but I also had a lot on my mind. I’m not sure if I was just being hormonal as any indication that the time of month is coming, but let me just walk you through some, if not all of my thoughts. Here we go.
The students weren’t really paying attention to her teaching and that frustrated me. No, I’m not the world’s greatest student, nor do I always pay attention in class. I’ve CERTAINLY had my fair share of phone usage and sleeping in class. But I know the value of my education and I still work hard for the crappy grades that I end up getting. In a place where the typical class structure is 70% exams and 30% participation, it’s hard to teach. In a place where the kids clearly don’t care and aren’t afraid to tell you, it’s hard to teach. It’s just hard to be in an environment like that and not be discouraged. I knew most of these things last summer and no, it did not change my study habits. Granted, I still valued my education if not more but the passion and desire to let that flow into my work ethic, did not happen. I will admit honestly that I let myself fall into being in a college bubble and taking my education for granted. All of these realizations made me want to just be done with college, made me want to come here and teach, and to shake these kids and say LISTEN. You may not see it now, but this is IMPORTANT. Heck, I’m still a college and as much as I’d like to not care and just flunk, I can’t. I genuinely love learning. True, I don’t come off that way to professors probably since I don’t seem like I try very hard in lectures, but I do enjoy learning - even if it means teaching myself things at the library past midnight because I slept/skipped lecture. Just to add to that, I WILL be working on that when I get back this semester so feel free to call me out on it.
But these things definitely reignited my desire to come teach abroad. I think I’ve always known I wanted a life in a country that wasn’t America even when I was younger, but I didn’t really know what that looked yet. Then doubt and the world came in. I thought to myself, what would it look like for me to graduate Binghamton as a PwC Scholar and then work abroad in China as an English teacher? Wtheck. I think I want this life, but the world and possibly my parents, say that I shouldn’t - my dad says… at least not immediately please, and he also says, at least try for professor status. My heart breaks for these students. People’s hearts break for different things and mine definitely does for these students and the educational system here specifically. I want them to know that all of this learning and schooling won’t be for nothing. Even if the actual things they learn don’t come in handy, the experience of learning and knowing that the only thing they’re responsible at this point in their lives is learning, is a beautiful thing in itself. They’ve been so ingrained with this set style of teaching that learning and adjusting to a new one is SO hard and it’s hard for them to be receptive about it. It’s OKAY to ask questions. It’s OKAY to work in groups - liquid networks people! People should be happy to be TAs! They don’t even know what they are yet here… kind of.
All this brings me sort of to my next point… I got upset because people keep asking me once they meet me, if I can speak Chinese. I went around asking students if they needed help/had questions (of course they didn’t) and all I got were surprised/shocked stares from students that I could even speak English that well. I think the reality of having people talk so much about me around me thinking I don’t understand has finally exhausted me. I may not understand everything, but I understand when you’re asking the person next to you if I can speak English, if I’m from America, etc. Yes people, I’m quite aware that I’m Chinese. Yes, I’m quite aware I do not speak fluent Mandarin. No, my mother did not teach me Chinese. Yes, BOTH my parents ARE Chinese. Yes, I can see the shock on your face. Yes, I’m quite aware you thought I was from China before you heard me open my mouth. No, this is not abnormal because some of my friends’ parents don’t even speak Chinese. I can at least speak Cantonese, thank you very much. I knew it’d be hard but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t think I’d feel so vulnerable and lost. I wish I retained more in Chinese school - shouldn’t have taken that education for granted… But bottom line from me to them: I just want to help you.
I’m a fake foreigner. I don’t even know how/where I fit in. I care so much about what other people think (unfortunately) so to get stares from all around the classroom was daunting and scary. And I broke and cracked. I just mentally shut down and didn’t know what to do. I was intimidated by people because of my inability to speak Chinese. It never occurred to me how much this actually bothered me until I got here this time around. It perhaps didn’t bother me as much last time because I didn’t get questioned so much about it. The people that I met were already used to foreigners so a fake foreigner wasn’t too too much since one of their teachers was already white and spoke extremely fluent Chinese. I wasn’t too much of a shocker. It may have felt cool being the Chinese American the first few times… but after awhile, I just want to fit in so I can get to know you. I want to help you improve your English but please don’t let it be at the expense of my patience… that won’t be pretty.
Learning to love these students in spite of my insecurities and ability to communicate, learning to be patient (super weakness of mine) with answering questions, being humble about my weaknesses, … Eye opener tonight. The only real comfort I had was the fact that it was raining when we left class. Oh Binghamton, you’ve rubbed off on me.
23rd May 12
^HOME for awhile.
I actually woke up at… 7am this morning - woot woot for jet lag! Spent the morning just chilling until I got picked up. Got to do some early morning reading and dialogue.
*By the way, if I’ve unfollowed you recently, it’s nothing personal, I promise. It just had to be done.
Went to lunch and caught up with my second China uncle. Lots of things can change in a year - that’s for sure. But it was nice just chilling and catching up. Got to hang out with a new friend LW, which was super awesome. We’re going to get along quite nicely, I know it. I’m actually sitting with her in her room just hanging out. I got a China phone - it’s so dinky and … old. But it’ll do haha.
OH! I saw an old student while watching a planned “flash mob” students tried to plan. He saw me, his jaw dropped and he yelled haha. It was definitely one of those movie moments. Another student recognized me when I was walking on campus. I heard someone yelling at me… and I got really confused. But I’m so glad to see old faces. Pics to come soon! Pictures are definitely going to be up on Instagram much faster than on here. But seriously… seeing old faces makes me really happy.
Now, going to watch GOT because SW is a freaking AWESOME friend <3 I’m not deprived of it after all :)
22nd May 12
Got off the plane to darkness and rain… Binghamton much? Juuuust kidding… but someone DOES have a crazy sense of humor. Coming here to rain made me feel a little at home. Arrived at the complex around 9pm. Things about China that I forgot but shouldn’t have: crazy drivers, crazy pedestrians, no seat belts, and of course - no toilets. Small little fact I conveniently forgot to prepare myself for. Good thing this place has toilets…
Chilling in my room now. Got to meet some teachers - they’re all pretty nice. They’re from all over which is really cool. I look forward to getting to know them and just hanging out.
I realized on the drive to the campus that familiarity = comfort zone. I started to recognize some of the places when we were near the school. It felt familiar but at the same time SO different. A lot can happen in one year. Relationships change, people change, but some things/people never do.
Looking forward to what my schedule will be like for the next few weeks - I’ll find out tomorrow. Killed a spider five minutes ago… Oh China. But yea, new summer = new people = new experiences = new foods to try = new stories. Nothing much else to say since the last time I updated was only a few hours ago technically… but things are definitely happening fast. I’ll see old students soon and wonder what their reactions will be because I didn’t tell anyone I was coming back.
PS. It’s raining tomorrow! Get to wear my new fruity cheap Sperry’s!
